On Rejection in a Musical life

Rejection is hard. Or perceived rejection. Much more fun to feel I am reaching people with my music, to feel their positive reaction to it. I’m lucky that I’ve experienced both, frankly. Because the positive reactions make it all seem worthwhile, and the negative ones keep me grounded in the reality of how personal music really is to people, and how what is needed in each moment for a person can and does change. What I need changes. What the world needs changes, too — and so it is important not to take it all too personally, but to trust the process and proceed as we go.

One of the most striking “rejections” I experienced was when we played for the Dalai Lama’s visit to the State Theatre in Ithaca many years ago. We didn’t open, we closed — playing at the end of the program, while everyone needed to wait to exit until the Dalai Lama had made it a few blocks away, for security reasons. 

The “all clear” announcement came over the sound system partway through our first piece, and 99% of the audience got up and walked out. Whoa! That’s pretty clear! However, I could also focus on the 1% who stayed until the end of our playing. One was my friend Heidi, who told me later how important it was to her to have my music at the end.  I think it can be like teaching, where every year there might be one student who can make it all worthwhile.  Well, I try to look at it one person at a time.  I try to feel successful if I've reached one person.

And I try to embrace the fact that my music is indeed, not “popular”, perhaps not even meant to reach a lot of people! My husband Bear will tell me that the music I write is before its time, so to try to recognize that what I'm contributing is important even if the circle of people I'm contributing to is small.   

Maybe it is more about not taking it personally, but remembering that I can only be me.  I can hope my composing expresses more and more uniquely "me" and what I hear.  And actually, it does feels satisfying to express being "me" in music, so that is the reward and the fulfillment I experience, and most of the time that is enough.  And then every now and then I get a new fan, or an old fan lets me know that they still like my stuff, and I feel I've contributed something to their lives.  I've been Heard!

 Just yesterday a girlfriend called me to ask a quick question, but the first thing she said was "I just want you to know I'm listening to Water Bear right now and really enjoying it..." And those were lovely words to hear. Also recently a healer friend in Oregon told me he had left his iPhone and a small speaker out all night after a gathering in his back yard, and the next morning found it still playing Water Bear music…